The DMV sucks

So I learned today that you can’t joke around at the DMV. They don’t like to smile there. It’s not my fault that Mrs. DMV lady that you have such an awful cushy government job. I mean damn, what the hell I was thinking. I mean not only do my hard earned tax dollars along with the over price cost of renewing my license and registration go to pay your ever so over paid salary for your lack of work sitting on your fat ass. I guess it is too hard to ask you to smile when you tell me to move the fuck on after you made me wait in this ever so long line while you take breaks to polish your nails and talk on your phone only for you to ass rape me with the high cost of your services. What makes it even worse is I don’t even get my license the day I have to deal with you. I have to wait 12 to 14 days while it is made somewhere else. You can get a Sam’s card the same day with a line of credit of 3000 or more on it but not your license. Not in Alabama. Other states you can and your cost is cheaper.  I mean I don’t want to be here probably more than you don’t want me here. Sorry I tried to smile in my license picture. Next time I have to come see you, instead of using my manners that my parents were so awesome to instill in me and ask you how your day has been, and to have a great day as I leave, I will kindly just tell you I fucking hate you and to burn in hell…

.Poem about growing up

So the following is a poem I wrote for my English class when starting college.. I like it so much I updated it and posted it to my blog..enjoy..

Its fun being a big kid, but we all got to one day grow up

But what do I want to be when I grow up..

Do I want to be fireman and ride on the back of a firetruck

Or do I want to work downtown with the ducks

Maybe I can be a nurse and help people wipe their butts

Or be a barber and give people hair cuts.

Maybe I can tend bar

Or drive really fast cars

Be a famous rock star

And drive all the girls wild

I could be a superhero

Or make a new number between one and zero

I could be a doctor and get sued for mal-pratice

Or go to Arizona and get stuck by a cactus

Maybe a farmer raising some cattle

Or a cowboy strapped up and can't breath in the saddle

A scientist who digs in the dirt

Or a person who get you off on making you hurt

I can always cook and cater

Or become a great master debater.....

Someone who plays a horn

Or works in porn

I can decorate your house

Kill bugs and your occasional mouse

Play with cats and dogs

Study lizards and Frogs

I can always be a lumberjack

Or flip flapjacks

Maybe I can be a poet

And show the whole world that I know it

Or maybe be a guy who sits at a computer all day

And thinks of dumb thinks to say.

And puts it on his blog page to make other say "hey"

Rules of a scary movie

Ok I was watching alot a horror movies last couple of days... and we all have done it.. Go why the hell are they doing that.... so I came up with my own rules and ways to survive a horror move. Forget the scream shit... this is for real...

1: The most important... Never..Ever..ever split up... always stay together. There is strength in numbers

2: If ever on a road trip..never get off the interstate.. don't take shortcuts..make sure you are gased up, and you are with someone else on the trip who is packing a semi automatic weapon, and if all possible don't travel at night,  and make sure your vehicle is road worthy..Obey all traffic laws to avoid the corrupt sheriff who has the killer at home in his closet..

3: Always arm youself... why is it the bad guy is always the only one with a weapon. While you are hiding in that barn full of tools, saws, axes, and other shit might as well use it to defend yourself..

4: After you take the bad guy serial killer down, make sure he is dead before you walk away.. cut his head off, maybe a leg so he has to hop over to you... go for a fatality.You played Mortal Combat...Go video game on their ass

5: The creapy ass farm house in the middle of nowhere is not a place to look for help... nor is anywhere people are missing more than half their teeth or the people are too nice...This isn't candy land, so unless you want to end up as a pie be on your guard.

6: Guys---strange sluty girls all the sudden comes out of nowhere and wants to have hot and wild sex with you equals waking up without your weenie or maybe a kidney.

7: In case of ghost and stuff... well your fucked...your best bet is to leave the area they are haunting and hope they don't follow you or call the dudes from "Ghost Hunters" if time allows you too...


8: Don't go anywhere looking for ghost and shit.. your asking for it...

9: When running away..don't look back, and don't back yourself up in a corner...

10: Zombie movies.. don't fuck around... you been bit well you're fucked and if someone you know has been bit, put a bullet in them. Cut all emotional ties and go Resident Evil on some asses.. Have your zombie survival guide ready to go.. You never know these days when the shit will hit the fan..

Well there are 10 simple rules.. I'm sure I have left out some situations but you get the picture.. If you have common sense use the shit and don't get yourself killed...

30 years of lessons to live by

Well tomorrow is March 17 and it is my Birthday. I will be 30 years old, and I felt it would be awesome to write down 30 things I have learned in 30 years. They aren't listed in any type of order of importance, but just how I thought of them. Some of these I learned from first hand experience and others by watching others live them. Hopefully in 30 years I can write 60 things I've learned in 60 years.So read, laugh and enjoy.....


1)      Jail is not as cool as it seems on TV
2)      You never want to marry a stripper... It’s like buying a used rent a car.
3)      Don’t sweat the small shit
4)      Keep shit simple stupid
5)      Never ask for An Irish Car Bomb (the drink) when in a pub in Ireland.
6)      There is a God and he has a sense of humor, how else do you explain platypuses
7)      Nobody ever actually sees “The Big Picture”… It’s just something people in authority say when they are either losing an argument and need something to trump you or when someone doesn’t know what the hell they are talking about.
8)      People are crazy
9)      Whoever said money doesn’t buy you happiness is full of shit. The only people who say that have a shit load of money. When is the last time you seen person on a corner hold up a sign that read “I will work for food, but I am happy”.
10)  There isn’t such a thing as a stupid question but there are stupid people who ask questions.
11)   Sporks are the single greatest kitchen utensil ever
12)   Boobs are awesome and are a man’s favorite toy
13)   Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and they all stink
14)   Common Sense is like deodorant, those who need it don’t use it
15)   The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do
16)   Always carry a knife
17)   Never forget where you come from
18)   Always respect and love mama
19)   Sometimes you just have to have faith
20)   You cannot drink a gallon of milk in under an hour and not puke.
21)   The road to success is always under construction
22)   If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
23)   Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
24)   Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
25)   Girls are like phones. They love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
26)   Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils and everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
27)   Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together
28)   A penis is a great thing to have and fun to play with no matter how old you get.
29)   Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died
30)   Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

PUMP CHUMP HERO!!!

While I was in the Air Force me and my buds decided we were bored and we weren’t 21 yet so bars were out of the question and getting alcohol was trying to say the least at times. So we drove into the city and visited the local adult entertainment store. While it seems a tad bit gay that four guys would go into a porn store together I promise you we weren’t. We just thought what the hell. Anyways while we were in there my buddy JB decided he was going to buy a penis pump for no other reason other than he wanted to see what it was like. JB was crazy like that but that was him. This is the same guy who bought a pocket pussy and stuffed in between the cushions of his couch and humped it.  Once he got tired of that couch, he traded couches with another guy who was doing the same thing. But that’s a different story, I digress. Like I was saying JB bought the penis pump, and we left. We scored some alcohol and went to meet some friends who just got off work to drink and hang out.

So there we are driving back to base, blasting some music and when all the sudden we hear JB say “Holy shit it works” None of us thinking what he was talking about all turned to look to see JB sitting there in the back seat pants around his ankles and penis in the pump.  None of us had noticed while we were driving that he was opening the box and taking his pants off. We just got the ending where we saw his penis in the penis pump. We all quickly turned away in discuss as he sat there and laughed calling us meat gazers.

His laughter soon was silenced with the fact that he couldn’t get the penis pump off. See while he secretly was able to pull of the prank without any of us noticing, he failed to read the directions and pumped the pump so much that the pressure was great that an airtight seal had form where no air was getting in or out. Freaking out he looks for the pressure release valve only to find he had bought a faulty pump where the valve did not work...

The rest of us laughed without concern for our friend and his over enlarger penis stuck in the pump. He got out of the car and tried lying down on the ground beating the pump to try and crack it only to fail at his efforts. This and other failed ideas went on for what seemed like forever but was only a few minutes until I pulled out a drill to try and put a hole in the pump to release the pressure.  Tears came to his eyes and the phone held in his hand waiting to call 911 in case something went horribly wrong. Just as I put the drill to the pump to start the drilling the relief valve popped open and the pressure was released. JB quickly pulled himself out of the pump and his pants back up. He then threw the pump away and said he was done with it. Later that night and many beers later the pumped disappeared. To this day no one knows what happen to it, but it said that somebody somewhere is using it for good... Actually JB just took it back to the porn store and got another one that worked right. Yes they actually take those things back…

Where is the Ferriswheel at this fair?

Career Fairs...In the last 8 months I've gone to these things like a bongo playing hippie following the Greatful Dead around looking for his next cuddle puddle and explosive light show. Unfortunately I always leave them like leaving a date with a girl who only let me get to second base. My head held low, frustrated, a stinky finger, and in dire need of a shower. I don't understand why they call them "fairs"...there's no rides, or cotton candy. No funnel cake, or overpriced games to when a nickle prize. Just people sitting at a table who you wait in a line forever to talk to. There breath usually stinks and they don't want to be there. It's not the rejection that bothers me. It's the waiting in line for them to talk to me for 10 mins and then tell me they aren't hiring. If your aren't hiring then why are you at a job fair? So they hand you a pen, bag, highlighter, or some other "prize" as a gift to you for wasting your time. It's almost like having sex with someone right before you breakup with them. Every now and then you get a break and someone sees something they like and tells you to email them, but then you do and never hear from them again. If the booth you walk up to is a government organization. Best hang that up.. You will get nowhere. All they will tell you is go online and fill out this application and let our software weed you out.. That's like getting dumped or fired via text message. All I have gotten in the last eight months is a lot of business card, and a bunch of junk in my house that I didn't need.. So say what you want, but until they can get a Ferris wheel, they will forever be a let down.

Every rose has a gas station, and that gas station has a drunk naked man.

This has became one of my favorite stories to tell... One night me and my buddy "The Grandest Pony"...and yes that is his name... Anyways, one night we were working the night shift at our place of slavery and moral abuse when we decided to run to the near by 24 hour gas station to grab a drink and a pack of smokes. You can usally always expect to see something interesting in one of those places at about 3 am, but what happen I don't think either of us could have expected.
As we were about to check out an almost naked man(and I say almost because what he had on was not much) approached us smelling of trash, alcohol and, god knows what else and proceeded to talk to us. "You know what?" he ask us smiling with barley any teeth and blacken gums. I hiding behind the pony in all of his grandness not because I was scared but because I was getting my pocket knife out in case I needed to us it ask "What?" "I just humped me a woman in them bushes over there and now the cops are looking for me cause someone saw me." Without hesitation the pony responds by saying "nice, good job, and you be safe." to amuse the man in his accomplishment and to lean our way out of conversation. As we finished to check out the man looks at us as he walks out the door as says to us "I like to do two things in this world, drink beer, and hump women." and then walks away naked into the darkness.
Me and the Pony returned to work and told our story to our coworkers. As the night proceeded on I wrote a song with my buddy ZAC ATTACK, and yes that is his name about the nights adventures. I had the tune of "Every Rose has a torn" from Poison stuck in my head. So we came up with the song "I like to drink beer, and hump women too"......which goes to the same tune..
Years later we all have moved on to other things, but still recall that night. When we get together we sing the song like we are around a campfire and send each other text with the naked strangers words of wisdom. If only we could have gotten his name. Ride on oh drunken stranger....Ride on...