Where is the Ferriswheel at this fair?

Career Fairs...In the last 8 months I've gone to these things like a bongo playing hippie following the Greatful Dead around looking for his next cuddle puddle and explosive light show. Unfortunately I always leave them like leaving a date with a girl who only let me get to second base. My head held low, frustrated, a stinky finger, and in dire need of a shower. I don't understand why they call them "fairs"...there's no rides, or cotton candy. No funnel cake, or overpriced games to when a nickle prize. Just people sitting at a table who you wait in a line forever to talk to. There breath usually stinks and they don't want to be there. It's not the rejection that bothers me. It's the waiting in line for them to talk to me for 10 mins and then tell me they aren't hiring. If your aren't hiring then why are you at a job fair? So they hand you a pen, bag, highlighter, or some other "prize" as a gift to you for wasting your time. It's almost like having sex with someone right before you breakup with them. Every now and then you get a break and someone sees something they like and tells you to email them, but then you do and never hear from them again. If the booth you walk up to is a government organization. Best hang that up.. You will get nowhere. All they will tell you is go online and fill out this application and let our software weed you out.. That's like getting dumped or fired via text message. All I have gotten in the last eight months is a lot of business card, and a bunch of junk in my house that I didn't need.. So say what you want, but until they can get a Ferris wheel, they will forever be a let down.

Every rose has a gas station, and that gas station has a drunk naked man.

This has became one of my favorite stories to tell... One night me and my buddy "The Grandest Pony"...and yes that is his name... Anyways, one night we were working the night shift at our place of slavery and moral abuse when we decided to run to the near by 24 hour gas station to grab a drink and a pack of smokes. You can usally always expect to see something interesting in one of those places at about 3 am, but what happen I don't think either of us could have expected.
As we were about to check out an almost naked man(and I say almost because what he had on was not much) approached us smelling of trash, alcohol and, god knows what else and proceeded to talk to us. "You know what?" he ask us smiling with barley any teeth and blacken gums. I hiding behind the pony in all of his grandness not because I was scared but because I was getting my pocket knife out in case I needed to us it ask "What?" "I just humped me a woman in them bushes over there and now the cops are looking for me cause someone saw me." Without hesitation the pony responds by saying "nice, good job, and you be safe." to amuse the man in his accomplishment and to lean our way out of conversation. As we finished to check out the man looks at us as he walks out the door as says to us "I like to do two things in this world, drink beer, and hump women." and then walks away naked into the darkness.
Me and the Pony returned to work and told our story to our coworkers. As the night proceeded on I wrote a song with my buddy ZAC ATTACK, and yes that is his name about the nights adventures. I had the tune of "Every Rose has a torn" from Poison stuck in my head. So we came up with the song "I like to drink beer, and hump women too"......which goes to the same tune..
Years later we all have moved on to other things, but still recall that night. When we get together we sing the song like we are around a campfire and send each other text with the naked strangers words of wisdom. If only we could have gotten his name. Ride on oh drunken stranger....Ride on...

High Five No AIDS

This story has been told many times by many people, but I am going to give the short and sweet version. So one day me and my buddy Josh were sitting down for a dinner time break at our place of employment when he begins to tell me a story about our buddy Fred.. It seems that the other night at our local watering hole Fred hooked up with a good ole’ fashion crazy bitch...You know the one I’m talking about guys... The hot girl you sit at the bar alone or sometimes they are with friends like a pack of wolves looking for their next prey…The ones that you can just smell crazy, but for some odd reason we fall victim to the spells…Its like we long for the craziness that is about to come our way..

 Well Fred went to talk to her, bought her a drink and sat down beside her. Well the night went on and as the hours passed and the drinks disappeared. Talking turns into touching, and kissing turns into more and next thing well you get the picture…Well the morning after once they were done they exchange numbers and went on their separate ways..

                Well two days later Fred gets a call from this girl in the early am hours saying she has AIDS and that he gave it to her. Thinking it was a joke he laughed and hung up the phone. The phone rang again, it was her... “I have AIDS she replied and you gave it to me…we have an appointment with the doctor today” Fred knowing this was bullshit agreed to meet her at the doctor to satisfy all doubts...

                Blood was taken and the doctor came back into the room and looks at Fred and the girl and gave them news that they were both negative for the virus... Fred giving the girl the dumb bitch look turned to the doctor holding up his hand and said “high five…no AIDS” and the doctor gave him a high five…

I'm no longer a blog virgin. CAUTION, WARNING, OH SHIT!!! Here we go

WOW!!! So here it is. My very first blog post. After hearing everybody else talk about them I figured I'd give it a shot. I have a lot of stuff to say. Some funny, and then some not. So after today. My blogging cherry has been popped, and I'm no longer a blog virgin. 

So every good book needs a pointless introduction telling you what it is about and why I the writer decided to write it, and I guess the same will go for a blog. So this is it, but I rather call it a disclaimer of sorts. Kind of like the warning tag on an appliances, or like the pointless do not remove sticker on a couch cushion or mattress.  

                This will be a collection of tales, quotes, mindless thoughts and random crap that flows through my head on an everyday basis. Who am I? Well I’m nobody special. Just your average red blooded (like there is really any other kind of blood) American Joe who is pissed at the world and the idiots in it. If there is a line I’m the guy who will usually cross it without fear of the repercussions. I’m my own worst enemy and find humor in all situations even if they are bad. I’m the guy your parents warned you about and your friends told you to stay away from… I’m 29, a tad bit over weight and under educated to some because I'm still working on my college degree. I’m patriotic. I’m lude, crude, and rude... I don’t have many friends because I hate people… The ones that I do have, have the misfortune to be such I hold close to my heart.  I make fun of other people and their misfortunes including my own. So I’m an equal opportunity asshole.  The positive side of this is I won’t say anything behind your back that I wouldn’t say to your face. I’m usually the guy who says what the crowd is thinking. So I’m sure there is something in this book that you have at least thought about once in your life, and if you say no, then do us all a favor and pass out whatever it is your smoking so we can all live in your fairy tale candy ass world... My shrink said this would be a good way for me to channel all my feelings. I have been often told to write a book my friends so one day I decided what the hell…

                As you read this the following pose, you need to know this can be entirely truth or entirely bullshit…Maybe somewhere in between; I will leave that up to you. The names of the people in this collection of post have been changed to protect the stupid…Well maybe, or maybe not… So if you are reading this and think I am talking about you well guess what…I’m not!! So get over yourself.. If you are easily offended by things are you are so uptight you could stick a lump of coal up your ass it would be a diamond...Then please do us all the favor and don't read any further... I don’t want any hate letters from people whining about this... You know something... I don’t care!!!!! Don’t mistake me for the guy who actually gives a shit, because I don’t.  You have been warned. If you really have an issue with what I got to say, then write your own damn blog and talk about me in it. So now that we have that out of the way, this message will self destruct in 3 seconds…2….1…..